I found myself singing this same familiar song as I sank into the deepest rock-bottom moment of my life in 2012. Nothing felt right. In fact, everything felt miserable. A cheating partner, crippling anxiety, destructive depression, and a deep addiction to drugs and alcohol… an addiction I failed to recognize.
As I lay there on the floor… sobbing, heaving… the truth finally dawned on me. I created this life. Every single choice that lead me to this rock-bottom moment, was a choice that I made. I chose the abusive relationships, the drugs, the alcohol, and the misery. I chose it all.
Why would a woman like me create such a negative reality for herself? For the same reason that anyone who’s ever accepted less than they deserve—because that’s what I told myself I was worth. No, not just told myself… I BELIEVED it on a deep, cellular level.
For years, these beliefs had flown under the radar. I blamed others for my story. I let self-destruction eat me alive. I turned to self-loathing, drugs, alcohol and destructive habits to cope instead of getting to the real root of the problem—my own internal way of thinking.
I let life be the boss, hoping that someday it would all shake out in my favor. Except, the same shitty things happened over and over—the emotionally abusive relationships with men, the friendships that collapsed, the cyclical health drama. And it’s no wonder. On the surface, it might look like I had changed things, but that was simply cosmetic. It was going to take a whole lot of mental scraping, spiritual releasing, pattern healing and self-love to clean up this mess.
I realized that if I had the power to create misery-inducing choices, I also had the power to create different choices. And I was ready to experience something different.
I began my journey right there and then by making a commitment to myself. … and it all began with self-love.
The journey wasn’t a straight-shot. I made a lot of mistakes and experienced a ton of setbacks due to my habit of poor decision making. I realized that my actions were based on my sense of self-worth, and I was determined more than ever to boost my worth. But that didn’t happen until I experienced a major step backward… I was high at an after-hours club and fainted. I ended up with a concussion, followed by post-concussion syndrome. I slipped into a manic-depressive state and was diagnosed with nerve damage in my brain. That was my wake-up call. I knew I couldn’t hide from myself or my pain anymore. I made the decision to go all in.